Electrocandles.

 

I've noticed electrocandles on sale recently. They look like candles but they're just plastic pretend candles with an LED in them. No use to me, you can't light a cigarette with one of those. Although I have considered using one to pretend to light an Electrofag, just to see how surreal it can get.
Those electrocandles might well be popular soon, although the anti-candle brigade will no doubt object because they look a bit like candles and will detract from their sales of wax patches and wick gum.
It seems someone has noticed that burning candles give off smoke. The powers of observation of these scientists must be astounding, and their tenacity in the face of pointless research designed only to be published in hack-rags is truly incredible.
As is the claim that candles are now as bad for you as tobacco smoke. The Delicate Flowers are out in force in the comments as usual, but this one is hard to beat:
"I love them...I couldn't care less what the "dangers" are. I'm sick of reading that everything is bad for me all the time! - Reubenene, Somewhere In The World, 7/7/2011
Well, honey....when you develop Myelofibrosis like I have from benzene exposure, you may change your tune. - Lyn, USA, 07/7/2011 19:09
Benzene exposure. What was she doing, burning bonfire-sized piles of candles every night and funelling all the smoke into her face? Or, perhaps, working with benzene in high concentrations? The trace of benzene in (almost any) smoke isn't going to harm you. It no longer matters - if benzene is a poison, then a trace of benzene in the air is just as bad as drinking a bottle of it. Likewise, since very high doses of salt are bad for you, any salt at all is bad for you. Same for fat, sugar, anything at all. No more moderation. Zero is the only acceptable level of everything.
The human race managed to survive Nature-red-in-tooth-and-claw despite having no claws, no fur, no armour, and derisory teeth. Fire was the key to that.
Now we are to fear it, even when it's really small and sitting on top of a lump of wax.
Won't be long now before matches are banned. That's phosphorus on the end of it. Have you any idea how deadly phosphorus is? And smoke comes off it too! And they could set fire to something! We're all doomed, I tell you. Doooooomed.
As for me, I routinely use a candle to light my smokes. Double the terror!
Wait till they find out what's in incense smoke. Oooo, they aren't going to like that, not one bit. Oddly, none of them seem at all bothered about exhaust fumes.
Which is a shame, because that's what's killing them.