Admittedly, much of what I focus on here at Financial Armageddon is depressing and unsettling. But that doesn't mean I'm unable to see things in a different light. Indeed, as I noted Saturday and last week, I've been known to be a bull on occasion (yes, gasp!). I also enjoy a good laugh, especially when it involves a clever twist on reality, especially economic reality. Given that, I really got a kick out of the latest "story" from The Onion, the satirical online news magazine, entitled "Consumers Say Recession Changed Way They Blow Paycheck On Crap":
WASHINGTON—A survey released Monday by the U.S. Department of Commerce found the nation's weakened economy has drastically changed the way consumers blow their paychecks on useless crap.
The report suggests the lingering recession has forced Americans to make tough choices when it comes to pissing away their earnings, as millions struggle to find new, and often challenging, ways to be completely irresponsible with their finances.
"The sad truth is we have to keep track of every single penny if we want to be able to spend money on sh*t we don't even remotely need," said Nebraska resident Dennis Schmeltzer, 42. "What am I supposed to do? I've got three kids. This family buys a lot of dumb crap, and suddenly we don't have so much wiggle room when it comes to wasting our money like assh*les."
"On the one hand, it kills me to go another month without winged-skull seat covers for our Suburban, but on the other, I can't bear the thought of my kids opening the kitchen cupboard and finding only three or four different kinds of Doritos," Schmeltzer added. "But right now we just can't have both. It's a nightmare."
The economy's sluggish recovery appears to have altered consumer overspending habits in a manner not seen for decades. Sixty-three percent of survey respondents said they were "significantly more reluctant" to squander their income on massaging bath pillows, prepackaged apple slices, motion-activated candy dispensers, devices that make it easier to crack eggs, and just about anything with a f*cking Ed Hardy design plastered on it. Another 18 percent said they decided not to buy any more trampolines for at least six months.
With fuel prices rising and the cost of food at an all-time high, experts have said Americans have far less cash to recklessly fritter away. However, many have reportedly managed to continue splurging on stupid sh*t by finding ways to make their wasted dollars go further.
"Since my wife lost her job, we've had less money coming in, but we still make due," said computer programmer Paul Keimel, who cuts corners by always keeping an eye out for cheaper, shittier crap. "Sometimes that means getting a used strobe light, buying off-brand soda by the case, or settling for plastic truck nuts instead of chrome ones."
Keimel told reporters the hardest part for him has been "swallowing his pride" and taking his wife to shop at Goodwill for their porcelain knickknacks, VHS tapes they'll never watch, and other useless bullsh*t.
According to Chicago-based financial adviser Brenda Meyer, many Americans are barely able to make the monthly payments on their rent-to-own 52-inch plasma TVs. She suggests consumers cut back to two frivolous shopping sprees per month and create a budget to keep track of how much they're pissing away on jumbo-sized stuffed animals and mail-order steaks.
"People are learning that they have to be more responsible," Meyer said. "It's all about striking a balance between maxing out your credit cards, putting the big-ticket crap that you want really bad on layaway, and keeping enough cash on hand for impulse purchases at Yankee Candle or Brookstone."
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